Several weeks ago I wrote about being vulnerable and opening up to my partner, specifically about the trouble I was having in being fully present and asking for what I want or need when we are intimate. I’m a big cheerleader for authenticity and telling my truth as I see it (and notice that I said ‘my’ truth and not ‘the’ truth). My truth be told, I have never been able to have an orgasm while I’ve been with him.
There. I said it. Ooooh yes, I said the ‘O’ word. Believe me, I’m just starting to rev up my engines on this. I’m ready to say a lot more so that we can start having an honest and more public conversation about what it is that we all desire the most when it comes to our experience of sex. Not only the experience in the moment of having sex, but how the experiences we have play out and impact other areas of our lives, too.
So there’s no significance in what I just said about not having an orgasm. It’s just a fact. My partner is extremely sexy to me and I can get turned on just by him looking at me in a certain way. But honestly when you start getting beyond the simple mechanics of it all, there’s a certain level of openness, vulnerability and most importantly a level of communication required to truly connect with another human being at our most intimate levels. It’s where we most want to go and yet are afraid to let ourselves go to at the same time.
Laying on the massage table the other day I figured out why this hasn’t been working for me. I am beginning to connect the dots (something my brain likes to do to as a way of understanding). [Houston, it seems we have a temporary malfunction with the mind-body-sex connector. Please investigate.]
So I’m lying on that massage table all nice and warm under the crisp white sheets and cozy blanket, fully naked and completely relaxed. I take several deep breaths and completely melt into the table.
My mind wanders and I begin to notice how fully present I am to touch, sensation and movement. My breathing is calm and steady. My sense of smell is stimulated by citrus-y aromatherapy oils. My sense of touch is engaged by the soft sheets, warm blankets and strong hands of my therapist. I instinctively know what my body needs and wants and I easily share this with my therapist. Every cell in my body is alive.
I notice there is no judgment, self-consciousness or insecurity here. It is my human spirit showing up to have this experience. All the barriers and resistance have completely disappeared. I am fully present.
I am just me. My entire being is wrapped up in this very sensual experience and nothing else exists.
So naturally I began to wonder what is present in this sensual experience that I could take back to the bedroom. What are the things I could ask for, plan or initiate that would make this more of a fulfilling experience for both of us?
I’m clear now that one of the best ways I can gain access to me fully being present and open to intimacy is to spend as much time as it takes to stimulate my senses fully, creating a natural pathway to bliss.
It’s still a prototype, but here’s what my winning formula looks like so far:
- Taking our time to really ‘be with’ one another* (there’s a great exercise for this that I’ll post soon)
- Communicating openly & specifically about the things we like/don’t like … this is uber-important!
- Scented candles, incense, lotions and essential oils
- Lots of touching, licking, kissing, sucking and caressing … anywhere & everywhere!
- More talking, especially the dirty and playful kind
- Soft music or other natural sounds playing in the background
- Sex toys … for all kinds of fun play & added stimulation!
- Daily breast massages*
- Vaginal weight training*
*More on these topics in future posts
Oh, and one more thing … there are definitely more massages in my future! And making time for the things that awaken my sensuality and its self-expression in the world. I just signed up for an exotic (or maybe it’s erotic?) movement class this week where I am expanding my world to include a pole, a chair, high heels and an over-sized men’s button-down shirt. Juicy, huh?
Are you getting the whole world of it? What do you think your winning formula is?
Ladies, I would encourage you to find out what things nurture and nourish your sensuality. Make a list (and check it twice to make sure it has nice AND naughty things on it!) and then make a point to incorporate these into your life more consistently. And just watch what happens, inside and outside of the bedroom.
And for all the men who may be reading this, here’s a little something for you, too (I promise to write more posts for you in the future). For now, simply get curious and ask your woman what her winning formula is. Share this post with her for some added inspiration. She will love you for asking. If you have a winning formula of your own, share that with her, too! You will get 1000s of extra bonus points for that.